Time to sound old for a minute….

Way back in 1999 I learned to drive on a manual transmission vehicle as well as a Kia Sephia – which we all know is powered by Unicorn farts. By this point most automatic passenger vehicles were no more than giant go carts with heaps of safety devices (see: “decapitators”) pilled on to satisfy Christian soccer moms who couldn’t get their kids to listen in any capacity.  Most drivers didn’t want to deal with the massive burden of having to do 2 seconds more physical exertion than absolutely necessary.

If any of you have actually, successfully, driven a vehicle with manual transmission you can attest to the feeling of being one with the beast. Not unlike those hipster audiophiles, us Manualist (yes, I just made up that word) feel all of the vehicles idiosyncrasies trough the vibration of the shifter just as a needle passes through the valleys and ridges of a record. We are more connected to the engine, the wheels, and the road. The overall experience feels pure. Less a passion for a machine and more a love for the monster.

Even the most mediocre autos can be heavily spruced by a manual transmission. I would take a manual 1990 Geo Metro any day over a spankin’ new automatic Audi or Mercedes. Theres just something about that extra control and precision. The car (and the HAL 9000 within) isn’t making decisions without you – you and the mechanical grizzly bear in which you ride have an understanding: you feed him the liquefied remains of dinosaurs and he conjures tiny rodents with tiny shock collars to power the engine.

….but I digress…..

Of all the vehicles sold in 2007 only %7.7 were manual transmission. This seems to be the trend with most of the world except western Europe….but you probably already knew that. I’d bet good money that someone reading this right now has never had the pleasure of shifting higher and higher and feeling that satisfaction…..then again….this is what I strive to be:

(Pictured left side auto: Me)

This is Dr. Phil. He has a mustache. He can has douche bag.

A definition from Wikipedia:

A moustache (American English: mustache;^[1] pronounced /məˈstɑːʃ/ in RP and /ˈmʌstæʃ/ in General American) is facial hair grown on the upper lip. It may or may not be accompanied by a beard, hair around the entire face.

So yes, Doctor Phil does indeed have a mustache. Story checks out so far…..and I think that is part of the problem. Think about someone you know with a mustache under the age of forty. Ok, good. Now think about someone you know with a mustache under the age of forty that you actually like. Odds are that unless you live a hip urban area many of you don’t have a cookie duster with an agreeable human being attached. Mustaches as of late (early 1990′s onward) have taken on a somewhat negative and laughable connotation. The person that came to mind when asked about the facial hair in question was probably balding, perhaps slightly greasy, and someone you wouldn’t want to stand at the water cooler with. Does he smell like cheese, pick his nose or like NASCAR? Does he stare at people way too long and lick his lips at inappropriate times? I’m probably right on some of those. Unless he’s a porno actor………or a woman – and that is a whole ‘nother article.

The stigma attached to the push broom has not been helped by people who have no business wearing them. Mustaches were once symbols of class and culture. Now they are symbols of gay rock stars and maroon, windowless vans with “free puppies” scrawled in chalk on the side.

To be fair, the “gay rock star” I was referring to was Freddie Mercury…..a gay rock GOD.

Nothing gay about this!

Without this man we would not have Bohemian Rhapsody. Unfortunately, the whole dieing of AIDS in 1991 thing kind of put monkey in the gears for mustaches. The lip warmer may have survived without Freddie (somehow, we all do) but it could not survive the biggest blow to facial hair since a German painter got really awesome at public speaking. Ladies and gentlemen; Jeffery Dahmer.

1991: A Bad Year For Mustaches

I won’t bother regaling you with Dahmer’s exploits but suffice to say, after him, ALL PEDOPHILES HAD MUSTACHES. Its like a company uniform.

Now men must be selective mustaches. Not everyone can pull one off but everyone WILL look like a pedophile. I suppose it all comes down to what degree. If you are creepy, sleazy, or give off any pedophile-like scents already you should probably avoid growing a mustache. It would be like putting a grease fire out with plutonium…..far, far beyond “just not a good idea”. If you are, however, well kept for the most part, attractive, clean, scentless, or a hipster then you’re in luck.

Let’s take a look at some notable mustaches on some well-liked men:

Iron 'Stache

Robert Downy Jr. could have easily ruined the mustache for himself if he had worn it religiously BEFORE rehab.

Mustache P.I.

Mr. Tom Selleck lives dangerously with the mustache / Hawaiian shirt combo. Normally those two together might send out the wrong vibe but combined with Ferrari 308 GTS and dimples you could sleep in and you have a recipe for pure magic.

My Name Is Mustache

Oh, Jason Lee. So much potential for acting outside of Kevin Smith movies. Either way, the father of Pilot Inspector rocks quite the ‘stache with a ‘gracefully receding hairline. We can only hope Zeus smiles upon him and blesses him with some salt to go with all that pepper.

Scotch 'Stache

It might be fake but that doesn’t take away from is sheer wonder…..

MVP 'Stache

Rollie Fingers is a famous pitcher. He has a wikipedia page. There is a section on the page reserved for his mustache. That should tell you how epic it is.

Zappa 'Stacha

One of the best mustaches in recent history, Frank sports a goatee combination that is unmistakable. Fun Fact: Just by rubbing his mustache vigorously for ten seconds he could generate enough electricity to power an electric trimmer for ten seconds.

Deliverance 'Stache

An iconic mustache but it begs the question; does the mustache control him….or is it he who controls the mustache?

Surrealist 'Stache

This gravity defying mustache tells the world “not only am I committed to my facial hair but I’m also ca-raaaaaaaaaaaaazy”.

Now that we know what is acceptable we can all start looking out for mustaches that give other mustaches a bad name. For example:

White Devil

Mel Gibson used to be well-liked…..until he started blurting out more racial slurs than an S.S. Officer at a taping of Maury Povich.  There is nothing inherently wrong with his facial hair. The problem is with him.

No. Just....No.

There is nothing to excuse what is going on in this picture. Nothing. Perhaps a very expensive bet or a strange ransom request but that would be about it.

In conclusion – mustaches are fantastic and powerful in the right hands. Don’t let friends who have mustaches wear mustaches who shouldn’t wear mustaches. You know who they are. Speak up. As a friend it is your duty. A mustache can spice up an otherwise dull appearance but can also do irreparable damage to a face and it’s reputation. If you do decide to grow a mustache make sure you choose a style that suits you and your lifestyle. Hopefully this article can aid you in fostering a loving relationship between you and your upper lip.

P.S.

Girl 'Stache

This is the age of HD and soon, 3D. It may surprise you but HD video has been around for quite a while. The first HD broadcast was in 1996, but the roots of the technology go back all the way to 1972. Not everyone is a geek or trained electrician but you would think most people might be able to take advantage of 15 year old technology with little study of a guide or instruction manual.

The reason it is called “Hi definition” is because is packs more lines into each picture (presented at 24 frames per second) to make the moving image you see on the screen. Normal TV has 480 lines placed on every other available line on the screen; this is called “interlaced”. So the only resolution on a standard definition TV (SDTV) is “480i”. When you start using ALL the lines on the screen it is called “progressive” or “p”. This is one way to get a sharper picture as HD starts at 480p and goes up to 1080p. With me so far?

On to “aspect ratio”. We’ve all noticed that movie screens are wider and larger overall than our TVs at home. This is because of aspect ratio. The normal aspect ratio of movies now is a ratio of 16 to 9 or “16:9″. The normal aspect ratio of TVs was “4:3″ for the longest time until “widescreen” sets started appearing. Most HDTVs after the first generation of sets arrived were 16:9. You would be hard pressed to find a HDTV nowadays that was the old 4:3 aspect ratio.

So we can conclude that most widescreen TVs are HD, but not all HDTVs are widescreen.

Now for the rant….

Why is it that in 2010 I am STILL walking into people’s houses who have glorious 1080p monstrosities, costing them their children’s college tuition, only to realize the picture is stretched and is nowhere near HD??? ITS COLOR COATED PEOPLE! THEY TEACH COLOR MATCHING IN PRE-SCHOOL. MONKEYS CAN DO IT. Sorry….

I’ll make this simple. If you have an HD set, DVD player less than 10 year old, and a current generation gaming console LEARN HOW TO USE THEM. Let’s break it down.

Coaxial Cable: This is the cable that used to go right into the back of your old SDTV. Now it plugs into your digital cable box, DVR, whathaveyou. You can tell what is it by the fact that when you move in to a new house there will either be an obvious wire poking out from somewhere in the living room / bedroom or a wall jack that looks like you should screw something onto it will be present.

Composite Cables or “RCA cables”: These were invented by RCA to deliver better picture quality when hooking up other devices to a TV, such as a VCR. It splits the audio and video up into three wires. Instead of one wire handling two audio channels and one video channel, each wire would have its own channel for the three. Most people know these cables as the RED – WHITE – YELLOW cables. These cables CANNOT produce a HD picture. It is physically IMPOSSIBLE. To use these cables you simply match the colors to the ports on the INPUT on the TV and the OUTPUT of the device. Simple right?

Component Cables: These cables are similar to composite but have split the video channel (the yellow) into RED – GREEN – BLUE. You can find these ports on all high definition TVs and some standard or “enhanced” definition sets. Just match up the colors like you did with the composite. These cables are HD.

HDMI (High Definition Multimedia Interface: This wonderful cable carries audio and video digitally on one cable affording amazing picture and sound. The shape of the HDMI port is very distinct. Plug one end into you TV and the other into your device. At the moment these are the best cables for HD.

For the love of god. If you spent $1000 on any other appliance in your home wouldn’t you want it to operate to its highest standards? You don’t even have to crack open a TV to get the best picture out of it.

Oh and one more thing. Any service that you are offered when buying a High Def set is utter yak shit. It takes 10 minutes tops to hook up an entertainment center….it is not worth $100, sucka.

Now I know everyone won’t agree with what I write here but I don’t hold it against you cause…..well….I’m right. Still friends?? *sad puppy dog face w/ whimper*

So Jenny McCarthy and human rubber band Jim Carrey are married (or something) now and are championing a antivaccination movement that contends that vaccinations can cause autism (chemicals and whatnot). Now autism is an unfortunate side effect of what happens when two people with varying genetic material come together and procreate. I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF AUTISM…..thats what “Something About Mary” is for. What this rant is about is the fact that a former Playboy model (and MTV gameshow host) played genetic Russian roulette, tried to find a reason for what happened, latched on to a study from 1998 and is now telling anyone who will listen (or stare at her breasts) that VACCINATIONS CAUSE AUTISM. You know what that, intern, causes….right? People not getting vaccinated. What happens when people don’t get vaccinated? What was the last huge outbreak we had before any kind of vaccinations? I vaguely remember something in Europe in the 1300′s where about 1/3 the population of earth dying.

Bingo.

Now what exactly are Jenny McCarthy’s qualifications to be shouting free medical advice from the rooftops? I’m pretty sure nothing. I mean being my calender girl for 3 years running (1999-1999, thats no typo) gives her some points for sure but the closest thing to medical advice she ever gave me was telling me when my doctors appointments were and where the g-spot is…..which makes her my secretary.

You may be saying “Professor K, you mentioned before a 1998 study!” Indeed I did, keen observer. Here is an excerpt from CNN:

(CNN) — The medical journal The Lancet on Tuesday retracted a controversial 1998 paper that linked the measles, mumps and rubella (MMR) vaccine to autism. The study subsequently had been discredited, and last week, the lead author, Dr. Andrew Wakefield, was found to have acted unethically in conducting the research. The General Medical Council, which oversees doctors in Britain, said that “there was a biased selection of patients in The Lancet paper” and that his “conduct in this regard was dishonest and irresponsible.”

Full Article

NOW you may be saying “Wait a gosh darn minute there mister! This is about that study being retracted by the people who wrote it?” Correct again. You get a gold star! So what does Pretty in Pink think of this even after the author admitted he was “unethical”?

Still not wrong….

“The U.S. vaccine schedule has grown from 10 vaccines given to our children in the 1980s to 36 today, perfectly matching the dramatic rise in autism. The work of Dr. Wakefield and his colleagues deserves to be shared with the world to further, rather than censor, scientific progress.”

It also perfectly matches the rise in obesity, global warming, and crappy Jim Carry movies.

Stop smilin' Beardo

Maybe we just need a vaccine for former models with unfounded ideologies.

No, thats for zombies, silly! Unless......

UPDATE (3/16/10): The Federal Court has come to the conclusion that vaccines
DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM

Also, here is a great article about it from Io9

Driving around the holidays is the last thing anybody wants to do. Everyone just wants to stay in, cuddle up to the fire and get drunk. Instead (due to family types, mostly), we are forced to get behind the wheel and hope that those drinks don’t lead you to inadvertently reenact a game of pinball with you car. Honestly, drunks are the least of our worries around the holidays, or really any other time of year. Here are a few of those aggravations:

Why do even the most mundane cars have a top speed over 65?
Has anyone ever thought about this? If law states that the highway speed is 65 (possibly 70 or 75 in other states) then why the hell does every car made in the last fifty years have a higher top speed? Listen, I like to be able to go fast every now and then just like everyone else but wouldn’t it just be easier to just prevent the general public from going that fast in the first place? Now, I know that officers need to make their quota and nabbing speed demons is a good chunk of that. The police need to make quotas to get better funding to buy faster cars. See the cyclical thinking here? Why does Clinton, Connecticut need supercharged Dodge Magnums as their primary “pursuit” vehicle. Oh and I won’t even get into the environmental benefits of building smaller less powerful engines that can only bring you to 65-75mph.

The Ford fiesta. Top speed? 105mph. The equivalent of hurtling a piñata to the speed of light.

People seem to be unaware of what all those extra lanes are for.
Not too much of a problem around here seeing as how our two major highways are pretty much regulated to two lanes, but as you get north on 91 or south on 95 this issue arises.

We’ve all been to drivers ed and we all know that the right lane is for travel and the left lane is for passing. So what happens when there are more than two lanes??????? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!
As the diagram shows, the far right lane, which is not always present, is mainly for slow vehicles. There is a smidgen of irony here as it is also for people who are “in a rush.” You can easily spot these people flooring it to make sure they get in front of the 18 other cars who are all doing slightly above the speed limit, but not NEARLY fast enough. Rarely is there any room for them to merge back into the fray, creating even more traffic, but it was all for a good cause. That extra 2.5 seconds they gain will surely be enough time to beat their butlers for feeding them a lukewarm meal.
The far left lane is for DMC Deloreans and Bugatti Verons ONLY.

Why must the elderly drive the most dangerous death machines on the road?

This should get us to Country Kitchen Buffet in one piece

This is also acceptable....

The top speed on this thing? 110mph. It weighs 3200lbs. Why? What is the need? Tell me when the last time an elderly person hit the gas and the needle went to 110? And the time that old woman “thought she put it in park” in front of the Dunkin Donuts then let her lead foot down and paralyzed that guy DOESN’T COUNT.

Forecast: The shoreline area may see dusting
Actual Weather: Sunny. High of 55. Children frolic through fields of dandelions and birds sing harmonies on “Good Day Sunshine”

Forecast: The shoreline could see a few inches of snow. Better get out those shovels!
Actual Weather: 40 degrees, Rain. You realize that your purchase of the “Snowjob 5000R” may have been a tad hasty. (This is what usually happens on Christmas. Nothing says Christmas like mud.)

Forecast: This one could be big folks. Make sure you stock up on the essentials! Canned food, water, batteries and matches!
Actual Weather: Nothing. Not a damn thing. Oh its tits cold for sure, but not but a solitary dead leaf hits the ground this day. Meanwhile, (town just north of me) gets the worst blizzard since 1895 killing hundreds. Telephone poles are toppled, babies are born at home and zeppelins are rerouted. You make battery match soup for dinner.

Forecast: The Blizzard of (insert year)!
Actual Weather: We actually get snow….oh, and its late March. A couple inches of soggy wet snow. Its enough to make everything miserable for the next few days. People say things like “I would rather have real snow” and “when was the last time we had REAL snow.” Be careful what you wish for……..

The first rapping meteorologist? I like to think so....

Forecast: Connecticut could see totals of 10 inches or more.
Actual Weather: This seems to be a sweet spot. ——— WILL see snow but this typically means 2-5 inches. People FLIP OUT as if a hurricane were coming and flood the stores with mindless Gil Simmons zombies buying everything in sight. Everyone drives as if they’ve never seen snow before making travel a lesson a patience. The IQ of ——– collectively drops 30 points….effectively labeling it “special.”

Forecast: This could be the most snow we’ve seen in a decade. 17 inches are possible in some areas
Actual Weather: The most snow we’ve seen in over 15 years. Not only do we get 17 inches, we get 17 inches and then 5 inches. It happens on one of the biggest holiday party nights/shopping nights/weekends of the year. Its enough snow to delay school TWO DAYS LATER. God laughs and collects bets from Hercules and John Lennon. Townies do burnouts EVERYWHERE.

Lets put it this way; I have a storage unit, but much like the oblivious folks who bought Encore frozen meals…..I don’t have a family (i.e.  wife, kids, little professor kaos’). It’s ALL – MY – STUFF. Said unit is broken down thusly:

• 20% retro hipster furnature
• 10%camping quipment
• 8.7% Playboys
• 13% dead formats / random wires and power supplies
• 15% musical instruments
• 3217% videogames / videogame related crap

(percentages calculated without calculator)

I need no more….

Last week I found something I’ve been looking for since I was 15….and it was even at the right price. I drove to Canton, CT (more than an hour from me) to get it. Have you guessed “best selling personal computer of all time” yet? You – “Hey thats great Prof. K! You got yourself a shinny new iMac!”

Further from the right answer you could not be.

May I present the Commodore 64.

I can’t believe I was actually alive when everything about this commercial was right.

Notice anything about that video? Yup, they tried to sell you a PC by showing you beautiful women sensually(?) sliding down a water slide. Something that you’ll surely be doing within minutes of booting up your Commodore 64! Notice anything else? Thats right. No mouse. No thing most people use more than their keyboard. They made one eventually but the C64 did not ship with one because it didn’t need it. There was no operating system. No Windows 95. No MAC OS. Nothing. This is what you got when you booted up:

Nothing to click on anyways. Sure, there was an operating system and mouse later in its life…..in 1982 this was the shit. You needed to teach yourself BASIC – a programming language that was created in 1962. I bought a 28 year old computer with a 48 year old programming language. At least it has some nice shades of blue to look at. Oh, you want to change that? Sure. Just go to the start menu, then display then ASSHOLE I JUST SAID IT WAS FROM 1982. You want to change the colors on the screen? Type this in:

POKE 53280,0; POKE 53281,0; TYPE ” (heart shape that this modern pc can’t reproduce)”

…..so why did I buy it? The Commodore was part of my early childhood and among my first experiences with computers or videogames. Now, nightly, you can find me in front of its warming blue glow and electrical hum. What will I do with it?

The real question is “What won’t I do with it”?

What won’t I do with it indeed, friend.

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