Testing 1-2-3: Problem #421 with the internet:

10Jun10

I’m Professor Kaos. And you? Charmed. AnyWHO, with the pleasantries out of the way we can address an ever growing problem I’ve had in recent years; the acquisition of old electronics. How I covet them so. Why? I love knowing how things work. In this new age of ebays, craigslists, and even goodwill stores it seems retardedly easy for me to get my mitts on whatever I desire.

Lets put it this way; I have a storage unit, but much like the oblivious folks who bought Encore frozen meals…..I don’t have a family (i.e.  wife, kids, little professor kaos’). It’s ALL – MY – STUFF. Said unit is broken down thusly:

• 20% retro hipster furnature
• 10%camping quipment
• 8.7% Playboys
• 13% dead formats / random wires and power supplies
• 15% musical instruments
• 3217% videogames / videogame related crap

(percentages calculated without calculator)

I need no more….

Last week I found something I’ve been looking for since I was 15….and it was even at the right price. I drove to Canton, CT (more than an hour from me) to get it. Have you guessed “best selling personal computer of all time” yet? You – “Hey thats great Prof. K! You got yourself a shinny new iMac!”

Further from the right answer you could not be.

May I present the Commodore 64.

I can’t believe I was actually alive when everything about this commercial was right.

Notice anything about that video? Yup, they tried to sell you a PC by showing you beautiful women sensually(?) sliding down a water slide. Something that you’ll surely be doing within minutes of booting up your Commodore 64! Notice anything else? Thats right. No mouse. No thing most people use more than their keyboard. They made one eventually but the C64 did not ship with one because it didn’t need it. There was no operating system. No Windows 95. No MAC OS. Nothing. This is what you got when you booted up:

Nothing to click on anyways. Sure, there was an operating system and mouse later in its life…..in 1982 this was the shit. You needed to teach yourself BASIC – a programming language that was created in 1962. I bought a 28 year old computer with a 48 year old programming language. At least it has some nice shades of blue to look at. Oh, you want to change that? Sure. Just go to the start menu, then display then ASSHOLE I JUST SAID IT WAS FROM 1982. You want to change the colors on the screen? Type this in:

POKE 53280,0; POKE 53281,0; TYPE ” (heart shape that this modern pc can’t reproduce)”

…..so why did I buy it? The Commodore was part of my early childhood and among my first experiences with computers or videogames. Now, nightly, you can find me in front of its warming blue glow and electrical hum. What will I do with it?

The real question is “What won’t I do with it”?

What won’t I do with it indeed, friend.

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